Bit of England beaten by the rest of England

The Allen Twatford league has started recently.

The “All-stars” (containing, by my count, exactly two stars) beat Trinidad and Tobago (who have three stars).

Middlesex, spurred on by its greatest member, Twickenham, only just lost to the bullying efforts of all the rest of England combined. You might say that it was unfair. So, being the failed statistician that I am, I would like to correct the imbalance using mathematics.

Middlesex is 282 square miles and its population totals 1,576,636, of whom 738,904 are males.

England, on the other hand, is 50,351 square miles, with a population of 49,138,831 (let’s say 49% of them are male: 24,078,027).

England is 179 times bigger than Middlesex, and 32 times more populace (in terms of males).

So, using high level statistical theory that none of you would understand, we can adjust for this difference, to reveal the actual result:

England (122) lost to Middlesex (19,511) by 19,389 runs.

Not only did the London side surpass the England score with ease, but that added nearly twenty thousand more runs just for good measure.

This, I think we’ll all agree, is a much more accurate way of measuring the relative disparities in sides, and should be rolled out to all real statisticians forthwith.

Angus Fraser makes dangerous statement

Generally, I don’t like to get involved in county politics. It’s boring. I prefer to focus on the actual cricketers – and their filthy private lives.

But, if you must know, there are rumours that Angus Fraser will take over as “Managing Director” of Middlesex.

The only reason that this is news is because a) people have heard of Angus Fraser and b) Graeme Smith is in hospital awaiting a mouth transplant.

I love Fraser. He, along with Andy Caddick and possibly Phillip J Tuffers were among my favourite players of England’s 1990s Golden Era.

Fraser’s main tactic was to spend half an hour running in and by the time he got to the crease he was visibly exhausted. When Brian Lara dispatched him to the boundary, Gussy would kick at the ground and blame the captain for asking him to bowl an unreasonable number of overs. Just look at how knackered I am you heartless bastard. He would say that. Only, without quotations marks.

Then the captain was changed. Hopefully to one who would put our Angus in at slip.

On the speculation regarding this county position, Fraser has said:

"I'm keen to chat with them and find out what they [Middlesexian big-wigs] have to say because it's still a place close to my heart. I currently have a very good job with the Independent newspaper but…”

And this next bit requires a severe buttock-clenching bracing position.

“….there is no harm in listening to what people have to say.”

Oh Gussy. Gussy. Gussy. Gussy.

Angus. Angus Robert Charles Fraser. Angus. You may need to know all there is about doggedly plugging away off or around the women’s changing room, but your understanding of human behaviour is somewhat lacking.

Personally, I feel that this dangerous and frankly inflammatory statement should preclude him from any position of authority. Obviously, he’s fine in his current role as a journalist. But any job where people should actually listen to him should be immediately ruled out.

Perhaps send him back to the ICC?

In my experience, the most harm has come from listening to people. In fact, I have given it up altogether.

Look at Stalin. He spent most of his early days listening to Lenin. And then look what happened.

It’s the same storey with Gordon Brown.

Do you want to end up like that, Gussy? Do you? Do you?

Well then.

Middlesex, despite their wives, win

Middlesex, seat of ancient Twickeneese power, won the twenty20 championship.

When I was growing up, I am ashamed to admit, I mocked my Middlesex heritage. Being a strong Somerset fan through and through, me and my learned school associates laughed at the London county’s last three letters.

Oh how we laughed.

But now, I can feel proud that the county that provided me with a mediocre education and high office as local paper boy can produce players of such quality.

Players such as Murali Kartik, who learnt his cricket as a young lad on Twickenham Green. Players like Tyron Henderson: born and bred in Isleworth Estate. And players like Dirk Nannes: conceived in the Prince Blücher pub.

Their victory will ensure spiritual and perhaps some financial happiness with their playing of a series of Stanford matches in the Caribbean (including a game against England) and their inclusion into the Champions League, where they will play against Real Madrid and Bayern Munich.

Although, these plans may be stymied by Ed Joyce’s wife-to-be, who has “put a spanner in the works” by agreeing to marry the stand-in Middlesex captain.

He wasn’t the only one with trouble with ‘er indoors, as Shaun Udal revealed that “the wife has probably spent [the prize money] already.”

It is a testament to the strong team ethos that the Middlesexians can triumph even though they are married to an inconsiderate gaggle of bastards. It brings a tear to the eye.

Well done boys. We’ll celebrate hard in the Blücher tonight.

Australian tries to be clever (and fails)

Well, I’m back. Cyberlife is worth living again. This is also my 100th post. Hoorah. No really, I mean it. Hoorah.

Anyway catch the crazy antics in Lords? Justin Langer displayed innovative captaincy by declaring the lowest total in Championship history (apparently).

After ducks galore, Langer decided it to call it a day at 50-8. The reason behind this apparently suicidal decision was to deny Middlesex the additional bowling point. The ECB website can clarify the bonus point situation:

“A maximum of three bowling points is available for three to five wickets taken by the bowling side (1 point), 6 to 8 wickets (2 points), 9 to 10 wickets taken (3 points).”

So, Middlesex were denied the third point. However, a 97 first wicket partnership quickly assured that Middlesex captured two batting points. More importantly, Somerset did not receive any points from their move, and decreased their hopes in the game. Was this stupid?

Brian Rose, who once declared Somerset after one over in the old Benson and Hedges Cup whilst he captained the side, said:

"It was quite a brave decision that Justin took. He wanted to get the best of the conditions and frankly we had been struggling to put bat on ball. He thought he should give his bowlers a chance to put Middlesex under the same pressure. If we'd scratched around for another 15 to 20 runs it would have made next to no difference to the match."

Perhaps this is true. But the Somerset batsman are struggling to play out time now, and would dearly love to have the two extra wickets they forfeited in the first innings.

The legal structure of cricket matches is always open to abuse. But one hopes that the spirit of the game is sufficiently strong to discourage captains from abusing loop-holes.

Generally, the bonus point system works well, and promotes aggressive cricket. Some cricketers are satisfied with their lot in life, and like to play at being lawyers. But no one likes lawyers.

No one.

No one likes Australians, either. So perhaps dealing with hatred some naturally to some?