Monotone work experience kid appointed National Selector

After the rampant matches between Australia and India, I am slowly moving down the pecking order to England’s level. Although, rather like deciding to watch “Alien vs. Predator”; I feel it is rather demeaning.

But I suppose I should: Old whathisface, David Graveney, was sacked. After ten years, I think Graveney can look back at his decade in office with some pride.

I mean, if you’ve only got potatoes, you can only make a pie…a potato pie. Right?

A central, and I hope persisting, policy in Graveney’s approach to selection was to turn the decision to select into a long term commitment. Graveney backed his players over an extended period, based on the enlightened premise that it takes time for a player to mature into international class.

This didn’t always come off. Look at Geraint Jones – the GoJo who wouldn’t go. Steve Harmison – the incompetent magician’s monkey that would never disappear. But he got it right more often than not.

His departure now is much like the recent Barbadian election: the current lot were solid enough, but people just fancied a change.

And what a change. In a brave move, they have brought in Ashley Giles and James Whitaker. Whitaker has been out of the game for three years – after being sacked from an administrative role in Leicestershire. And Giles is the newly appointed Director of Cricket at Warwickshire – but only 13 months out of professional cricket, his coaching/administrative/strategic skills are unproven.

More worryingly, however, is the appointment of Geoff Miller as the new “national selector”. Miller used to be Graveney’s “assistant”. I’m not sure whether a PA would make a good selector, but the ECB are game to find out.

Miller may at heart be a confused economist. Here’s a statement from the office junior:

“We are in a transitional period now in both kinds of cricket but the curve from 2000 has been pretty good. It has been an upward curve.”

There you go, young Miller, if in doubt, start talking incomprehensible jargon, like “natural games” or “curves”. It’s amazing how much you can pick up during work experience week.

More incredible things

As I was walking from Tower Hill Station, where I met Paul Collingwood, towards Fenchurch Street Station, you would never guess what happened to me.

There standing, alone and resolute, was the England Chairman of Selectors, David Gravney. Weirdly, he was standing in the middle of the street. Holding firm, like a proud rock in the rapids, against the tide of City commuters.

I didn’t have the nerve to talk to a man that sort of looks like a sports administrator. I decided to share his street space as I walked past him – hoping that his abilities of selection would rub off on me. Sadly, they did not.

I went into the shop to buy a banana and a snack. The fruit wasn’t ripe yet and the crisps had passed its sell-by date. But that wasn’t my fault. The food looked alright in the net…the food net…where you keep…never mind.

Gravney also looked grumpy. Perhaps he’s able to look forward into time and saw the England cricket team getting battered in the Oval.

What is wrong with the world? The English cricket fan has had bugger all to cheer about since 2005. Oh wait, we beat Pakistan in dubious circumstances last year. You remember, when Daryl Hair threw a wobbly, and gave England the game because he’s a racist. Other than that, we’ve had little applaud. Maybe we should bring back racism? To improve the standard of international cricket.