Daddy or Chips? Country or Money?

Andrew Flintoff has rejected the entire English nation. He said, in a statement recently,

"To be honest, like, I don't really like the lot o'yous. So, if it's ok, I'm gunna take the money and you can all piss off, alright?"

This is part of his bid to become the first freelance cricketer since F.R.O.OP. "Blinkers" Staple-Gunn in the 1840s, who was famed for bowling for sex and the theft of two-man, peddle-powered boats.

The English nation rejoiced in the impoverished Flintoff's move. Little Emily from Clacton, aged eight, remarked,

"Fweddie Flintoff has also been my hero. Now that he has ripped out my heart for a quick buck, he has taught me the value of never trusting anyone ever again. I now want to become a management consultant."

In a quote that I didn't make up, Flintoff has had said:

"I said when I retired from Test cricket my ambition was to become the best one-day and Twenty20 player in the world," the 31-year-old said. Playing in all these different countries can only help."

One less country though, mind.

Flintoff unfit - truth revealed

According to England management, the team's Big Man, Andrew Flintoff, just wasn't getting his balls down fast enough in pre-match warm-ups. An official stated:

"I don't know what was wrong with him. We were trying various techniques, different strokes, but he just didn't seem to be feeling it. He needs a rest, the appendage in question is nearly red-raw with over-use - he's a big man and puts his body under a lot of pressure. We're hoping that he can stand tall once he's in the Oval."

Rest Freddie?

The battle of the limping wounded will be chiefly decided by whose bags of deformed crocks will fall to pieces first.

With Brett Lee’s gammy side and Mitchell Johnson’s sideways sense of gravity, the Australian cause looked damned by the misfortune that traditionally blighted England campaigns.

But now, with the breaking down of Kevin Pietersen and the public disintegration of the Colossus of Preston, England are fighting fire with fire.

There is a note of desperation in the England camp, with their star batsman felled, they know that there chances are shot if Andrew Flintoff topples also. Here’s the latest unbelievable revelations from the BBC:

“The 31-year-old has been sleeping with a special 'Game Ready' compression wrap - designed from NASA spacesuit technology - around his troublesome knee, which helps to remove fluid and reduce inflammation.”

Everyone knows that he’s not well. But we also know that we need him, and it doesn’t matter if he exacerbates the problem because we won’t be using him in the future anyway. So Flintoff being permanently maimed for life is a little worry that the ECB’s carpet bagger doctor can forget.

Nevertheless, the forecast looks grim. By the current reading, it looks as though up to three days will be washed out. A result looks unlikely.

So, England’s worse case scenario is the Aussies batting for long periods, wearing down what little cartilage remains in Flintoff’s wasting joints, forcing him to miss the important forth game.

Why not rest old Freddie’s legs for another week?

England’s outfit is a one-trick pony now. We may as well acknowledge it. It’s the cricketing equivalent of giving the ball to Jonny Wilkinson.

Play him off, Keyboard Cat

It's not how, it's how many.

Guest blog: Clinical Addiction

Another from my guest columnist. Remember, lawyers, I didn't write this:

It’s a funny thing although the general consensus is that’s its not good. Many careers have been ruined as a result: George Best, Keith Moon and dictators who general got too big for their boots and were taught a good lesson. Then there are those who seemed to have been made by their addition: Crack Doherty, Charlie Kennedy and Bill Clinton. So where does Freddie “I’m named after a Flintstone” fit into this?

Well ignoring turn up to training pissed off your head in the middle of an Ashes tour the first point of contact in answering this question is our beloved NHS. If you see a doctor, maybe you have fallen off a pedalo in the middle of a world cup, then the first thing they will do is run two tests two to assess you. The first is CAGE:

Alcohol dependence is likely if the patient gives 2 or more positive answers:

- Have you ever felt you should CUT down your drinking?
- Have people ANNOYED you by criticising your drinking?
- Have you ever felt bad or GUILTY about your drinking?
- Have you ever had a drink first think in the morning to steady your nerves or get rid of a hangover (EYE- opener)?

Taking into account I scored three and I also have the additional affliction of starting to sing Duran Duran songs when drunk, lets move on the more comprehensive assessment, MAST.

Alcohol dependence is likely if the patient has a total score of 6 or more:

- Do you feel you are a normal drinker? Yes No(2pts)
- Do relatives or friends think you are a normal drinker? Yes No(2pts)
- Have you ever attended a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous? Yes(5pts) No
- Have you ever lost friends because of drinking? Yes(2pts) No
- Have you ever got into trouble at work because of drink? Yes(2pts) No
- Have you ever neglected obligations, your family, or your work for 2 or more days in a row through drink? Yes(2pts) No
- Have you ever had delirium tremens (DTs), severe shaking, heard voices, or seen things that were not there after heavy drinking? Yes (5pts) No
- Have you ever gone to anyone for help about your drinking? Yes(5pts) No
- Have you ever been in hospital because of your drinking? Yes(5pts) No
- Have you ever been arrested for drunken driving? Yes(2pts) No

Now thankfully I only score 7 on this scale and that’s because I got a whopping 5 pointer which is defiantly in the past. So where does Fred stand….

- Do you feel you are a normal drinker? Yes
- Do relatives or friends think you are a normal drinker? Yes (he is northern)
- Have you ever attended a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous? No comment for legal reasons
- Have you ever lost friends because of drinking? Yes (Duncan)
- Have you ever got into trouble at work because of drink? Yes
- Have you ever neglected obligations, your family, or your work for 2 or more days in a row through drink? Yes
- Have you ever had delirium tremens (DTs), severe shaking, heard voices, or seen things that were not there after heavy drinking? No
- Have you ever gone to anyone for help about your drinking? No
- Have you ever been in hospital because of your drinking? No
- Have you ever been arrested for drunken driving? No

So it can be pretty well assumed that Fred scores at least 6 which makes him an alcoholic although less than me; lightweight. Obviously this test is a load of bollacks and Andrew does have a serious problem. Personally the fact that this is news is like saying that it has recently been discovered that David Cameron is in fact a man of principle. For goodness sacks his nick name is Fred Flintstone.

So where does this leave Andrew? Obviously in need for some personal reflection and help. Have ever much the nation hates Duncan he does have a point that turning up to practice pissed off your head is not on. By writing what he did was best for him (money money money) but also best for English cricket and Andrew. Alcoholism is a terrible disease and hopefully Andrew can get back to what he does best, being happy and playing fantastic cricket.

Fat Zim fights ‘em

Duncan Fletcher, the former England coach, is serialising his autobiography in the media. He regularly releases instalments in the Daily Mail. The latest whiney drawl can be read here. I wouldn’t recommend it, though. It is pathetic.

Ayalac will save you the trouble by taking the best bits out of context and making fun of them.

Firstly, he moans about how much stick he took from the press in general, and Ian Botham in particular. Apparently Botham gave him dodgy and contradictory advice. In one victory, everyone gave Fletcher a huge bear hug to congratulate him...

“Botham just stood there and did not say or do anything. And to think he later said that I had 'taken being miserable to a new level'. What about him that day?"

He thinks the players listen to him but they do not. Often you would go into the dressing room and hear the players in exasperation saying things like: 'Have you heard what Botham is saying about the wicket?'”

Yeah! The big bloody successful bastard. D’ya hear mate my mate Chardonnay said about him? Wait, these aren’t the diaries of a pre-pubescent Basildonian female, it’s a respected public figure. Who’d a thought it?

Other hilarious episodes include Fletcher giving Geoff Boycott an ear-full down the telephone, and then felt guilty. What sort of twisted monster is this?

But, wonderfully, apparently when Fletch approached hero of the air-waves, refined Henry Blofeld, Fletcher writes:

“He did not even greet me but instead just bellowed 'Fuck off. I don't want to speak to you.'”

And when Fletcher persisted in conversation, gentle Blowers reposted with another “Fuck off.” This is the most fantastical thing I have ever heard in international cricket. Marvellous.

Anyway, further to this, Fletch moans about Andrew Flintoff being too pissed to win an Ashes. According to others, though, Flintoff has never had a problem with booze. These people are, in the main, Northerners, though.

Flintoff: I won’t go away

Rather like those stains on your tea cups, Andrew Flintoff is refusing to go away regardless of how many times he’s been through the dishwasher.

I think it’s fair to say that I’m probably the only person outside of the MCC that doesn’t like Flintoff. I’m not really sure why I feel this way. It’s probably because he has “personality” and all I have is a bitter disposition.

Anyway, he now reckons that he’ll being coming back soon, because he’s employed the services of a reasonably priced Dutch surgeon, Professor Niek van Dijk. (Tells you all you need to know about the state of the NHS.) Prof van Dijk has had a good prod about in Flintoff’s mighty ankle and, like any self-respecting cowboy quack, thinks he can sort it no problem.

This will mean that he’ll be back in action in early 2008. He’ll be 30 then. It’s not Ming Campbell old, but it’s not Wayne Rooney old either.

Meanwhile, England have been doing splendidly without him. He’s certainly a reliable bowler, but his batting has been like watching a party of shepherd’s pies attempt the four minute mile. Consequently, he’d have to prove his fitness as a specialist bowler.

But England have been “really good” at bowling recently. Not just individually, but as a thoughtful and complementary unit. They work well as a team. It certainly isn’t broke.

And if there’s no room for Monty, then, by buggery, there sure as hell ain’t any room for that fat bloke from Preston.

Andrew Flintoff’s career

Once again, Andrew Flintoff has been declared unfit because of his old ankle injury. It looks likely that he will miss the rest of the NatWest Series and the Twenty20 World Championship. On top of recent niggles with Dorset Knee and missing the entire test summer, Flintoff has had an unfortunate spell.

He is a big chap. And he bowls fast. Consequently, his lower joints and feet are under a lot of strain. This is a pity because, at the moment, he looks like our best one-day bowler. Indeed, he took a career-best of 5 for 56 the other day against India.

The question is, however, how long can this continue? If you are losing one player to constant injury, then it has a pernicious effect on the side’s morale. Moreover, you cannot invest in a long-term replacement for the man; you’ve only got a nearly-man struggling to secure his space. On top of that, you’ve constant arguments about who to replace Flintoff: another all-rounder? A batsman or bowler or what?

There comes a point when the destabilising effects of a missing man out-weighs the positive influence of his presence. I’m not sure we have reached that point with Flintoff yet, but it is something that needs to be considered.

Indeed, more important for Flintoff personally, is his test career. It appears that his body is struggling to cope with the strain of a one-day much. But how will it cope with bowling 70 overs in a test match?

Do you remember the end of Darren Gough’s career? He was our best fast bowler for a generation, and a vital part of England’s attack. A long-term injury had him out of the side for about a year, I think. When he returned, to much heralding and cheering from England fans, he looked a little under-cooked. There was a noticeable lack of pace. He was past his best, and his international career petered out into a sad slump.

No one really wants that to happen to Flintoff. But people need to think seriously about his long-term prospects.

Flintoff: over-rated as a bowler?

There's an interesting article in this week’s Sunday Times, by Simon Wilde. I have only just red it because I’m ill, and still moping about at home in a dressing gown. You read much more slowly when wearing a dressing gown.

It analyses the over-all impact of England’s five-bowler strategy, compared to a four-bowler attack. Intriguingly, we have lost only lost 30% of our games when fielding four bowlers, whereas when we play five, we lose 34% of the time. What Wilde doesn’t say, however, is that the all-rounder results in a 43% victory rate, whereas four bowlers give the same percentage. So Flintoff doesn’t win us any more games, but we lose more when playing him.

Putting my statistician's hat on, and considering the sample size (the 110 tests since Flintoff’s debut) I doubt whether these findings are statistically significant. But what the cool blue numbers show is that Flintoff has a minimal impact on the game over the long term. Sure, a brilliant spell or innings can swing a session in England’s favour, but in terms of a consistent success for his team his influence is hard to detect.

There is something innately impressive about an all-rounder – doing two things at international level is amazing. Naturally, we expect less of an all-rounder: lower averages are the norm, because they make two contributions. They also give depth to the bowling. But is this, in itself, sufficient?

Looking at Flintoff’s record isn’t exactly inspiring. Omar shows that, except for one purple patch, he has rarely averaged over 30 in tests. Here’s a table outlining his bowling in test matches.

Flintoff’s bowling

Year	Mat	O	R	W	BBI	BBM	Ave	Econ	SR	5
1998	2	35	112	1	1/52	1/68	112	3.2	210	0
1999	3	62.5	174	5	2/31	3/55	34.80	2.76	75.4	0
2000	4	40	99	1	1/48	1/48	99	2.47	240	0
2001	3	92	189	6	4/50	4/50	31.50	2.05	92	0
2002	9	312	982	20	3/49	6/157	49.10	3.14	93.6	0
2003	8	279	813	19	3/42	4/74	42.78	2.91	88.1	0
2004	13	369.4	1108	43	5/58	7/78	25.79	2.99	51.5	1
2005	14	532.2	1660	68	5/78	8/156	24.41	3.11	46.9	1
2006	10	353.5	1115	33	4/96	4/76	4/78	33.78	64.3	0
2007	1	17	56	1	1/56	1/56	56	3.29	102	0

Again, apart from a single period 2004 and 2005, his average has never been below 33. He has never taken more than eight wickets in a match. Interestingly, he has only achieved two five-fers, both during the 2004/5 purple patch. Since this period, his statistical form has tailed off.

Undoubtedly, he was a class player, but it remains to be seen how potent he is nowadays. It seems to be a universally accepted fact that his batting has been below par. Now, with a new series of operations and serious question marks in the rest of the attack, we must seriously examine Flintoff’s impact on the game.

Flintoff: not perfect?

Recent Ayalac surveillance footage has uncovered some disturbing evidence. Seeing the rising tide of my “Matthew Hoggard for Captain” Campaign, it seems as though Andrew Flintoff has jealousy struck out against the Hogster.

Clearly, such was the force of this impact, that it rippled into Hoggy’s great groin. Matthew Hoggard may miss the next test match, such are the injuries.

First, I was unsure about Flintoff. Now I think I officially am leaning towards not worshipping as much as I do the other England players. I even beginning to look at Flintoff’s recent records with some suspicion: we all acknowledge his batting isn’t great, but I’m started do doubt his bowling.

Am I becoming a monster?

Best put that thought to the back of the mind and rally under the HOOGGY FOR CAPTAIN flag.

England look alright, but not great, you know?

England beat Ireland by 48 runs. So well done. Some people don't think this is good enough. But, considering their"go slow" strategy, they're never going to whallop the minnows in the way Australia do. We can only hope they can grit it out agains the good teams.

I haven't spoken much about England. It's all been a bit depressing, really. I suppose I should talk about them at least once. Just in case they win. England put on an OK score, thanks, in the main, to that bloke with the bat on the left. Again, the top order failed, again Kevin Pieterson got in and got out, and again Paul Collingwood saved the team from certain embarrassment.

Trent Johnston, the stately Ireland captain, stated, “We spoke about Paul Collingwood in the team meeting before the game and he is the quality player in England’s team”. See that? The quality player. Never mind Pieterson or Andrew Flintoff, they’re afraid of Colly.

Johnston goes on: “He’s the guy that gets you a run-a-ball hundred and gets you three or four wickets [I’m not sure about that part]. He’s also their best fielder in the team too so we expected him to come out and do that and he did.” I’m not really sure what that last bit means, but I suppose living in Ireland for so long has got to rub off, doesn’t it?

Collingwood has now become England’s only hope with the bat. The rest aren’t firing at all. KP, despite his new number one status, hasn’t impressed during the tournament so far. And this go-slow business is making the rest of the line-up look pedestrian and distinctly unthreatening. So, essentially, we’re dependent on one man. And he’s a ginger Northerner. Prospects have never looked so good for the England team.

However things aren‘t all bad. Paul Nixon also chipped in with 19 off 15. A lot of people don’t like Nixon. Principally because he’s a gobby irritant of a man, but also because, they claim, he’s not very good. However, I think he’s alright. He averages 18.8 in ODIs, with a strike rate of 86. In addition, he averages 32 in first class cricket, striking 16 hundreds. He is also the most experienced man in the world when it comes to twenty20. This is exactly the sort of thing you need at the death: quick, irresponsible runs, boundaries, speedy running and annoying the elbows off the opposition. This combination of fast runs and being an arse is working for the England team. Although, his keeping isn’t great, but that has never seemed to be an issue in the past.

Also, what on Earth is going on with Ravi Bopara? Apparently, he is being picked because he is an all-rounder. Yet he didn’t bowl a ball, but came in at number eight. What? You’re picking a batsman for the number eight spot? Whereas Michael Vaughan seems to have become a bowling all-rounder, bowling nine tight overs and taking a wicket. Surely, if you wanted to play this game you could stick Andrew Strauss in at one, and put Vaughan in at eight. Maybe you could promote young Bopara to smash some quick runs opening the batting? Sadly, this is probably a little too creative for the ECB. Damn their pants.

Lastly, did anyone notice how cheerless Flintoff looked? Not a smile throughout the whole occasion. Normally, I quite approve of people moping about and depressing everyone, but even poor old Monty received the cold shoulder. After Flintoff caught a skier off Panesar’s bowling, Monty leaped and twirled about, as he does, beaming at Flintoff. The all-rounder, as the commentator described it, was nonplussed. Monty looked embarrassed, and shuffled off, deflated. How could anyone do that to the Monster? That’s almost cruel. Defusing the joyous heart of the young lad can almost be considered a crime against humanity. I’m starting to like Flintoff less and less. Here’s another picture of him looking gloomy.

Miserable sod.