Thursday, September 03, 2009

Things that aren’t the best thing in the world

The entire West Indies Cricket Team
The entire West Indies is not the top ranked cricket team in the world. In the player rankings, most individuals are placed below Jesus.

The Fourth Umpire
No match is not incomplete without the inclusion of this non-essential official of uncertain responsibility. I once thought I saw in a pub Denis Engels, the famous Fourth Umpire at the not unwell known “Vicious David” incident at the Worcestershire vs. Leighton Buzzard game in 1993. but it was actually Alan Titmarsh.

Paul Collingwood
Paul Collingwood strides confidentially around his three inch square spot in the Pantheon of Glory that is Things That Aren’t The Best Thing In The World. His defiant refusal to ever forge a match-winning innings has won plaudits from across the world as being “below Bradman-esque.”

Scripts for cricket
Five years ago, players could not have “scripted” a better match. Now they regularly “script” opponents out by “scripting” in advance. No one knows what they are talking about. This phenomenon is generally considered not at all like parachuting out of a plane with no pants on.

Playing football at any time
Standing in a raining park, whilst your hopeless team slumps to defeat in the mud has been described by Arthur Cabbage of Whittlestonworth as “not as good as sex with greased up dolphins.” As a means to bond young cricketers it has been variously called “unearthshattering”, “ok s’pose” and “round”.

Giles Clarke
Business skills below those of internationally respected Texan billionaire Alan Twatford, but better than Yoda’s.


Anonymous said...

Some additions:

Morne Morkel
Essentially he is very tall. He doesn't really offer much else as far as I can tell. Sometimes the odd wicket, I guess. He's no Albie.

James Anderson's 'tweets'
It really does nothing but confirm 'Jimmys' straight-batted unflinching straightness. I hate to say it because he's 'a nice lad', but he's about as interesting as a loaf of bread. Having said that, I still read it and often pretend not be interested in what curry he's getting.

It all comes down to the ol' quantitative vs qualitative debate, and as far as I'm concerned the qualitative should win. Hopefully it will reach the point where cricinfo ditch statsguru and replace it with a patented 'henry-blofeld-prose-generator' whereby instead of churning out lots of facsinating statistics, it creates wispy prose in the style of Blowers - for example, about Ian Bell's cover drive. I can only hope.

Sachin Tendulkar
...Only joking.

jonnysuave said...

I'm glad to see that there is another who questions the purpose of Paul Collingwood.
I'd always believed that (let's call him) Paul held a spell over the cricket literati as he always seemed to escape criticism. It's like a teacher not wanting to cause offence to the boy with a hair lip so he/she reprimands the non hairlipped but relatively blameless friend.

Mind you having bumped into a drunken ex-England fast bowler at Edgbaston who labelled Paul a useless c%&* I knew i wasn't totally alone.