Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Bloody Clog Trotters

There are list of nations that British people struggle to be racist towards. The French and Germans are easy. However, it’s difficult to foster an irrational disdain for a Dane or a Belgian – these are the harmless, innocuous, no-body nation to which we attach no distinct hatreds. Until recently, the Dutch were in that camp.

Of course, we’ve had our differences. The Netherlands was used as a base for a massive navel attack by a Spanish Armada in 1589They did sort of invade us in 1688, permanently disfiguring our constitution. Plus, the all speak infuriatingly good English – in most cases, better than native speakers.

But we can forgive them of this. The English probably consider the Dutch their closest friends in Europe. We both share a taste for watery beer, Big Brother and football hooliganism.

Now we must reassess this relationship.

Recently, there was a game of cricket between England and the Netherlands. England should have won, this is the natural order of things, and the Dutch, not being unreliable southern continental types, should have respected this.

In stead, no doubt due to malignant Australian infiltration, the Netherlands first presumed that they could win, and then arrogantly went on to do so.

The only rational response is irrational, ill-directed, knee-jerk attacks upon the Dutch nation. First of all, throw away your frying pan least any future pancake offend it. Then, you much expunge all that is orange from your house. Finally, resolve yourself never to cough again, in case that someone may believe you are talking Dutch, and the following feelings of association with those cursed wetlands lead to inevitable suicide.

Also remember this:

The Dutch are rubbish at everything. Whereas England are only rubbish at certain things, and only those things that we choose to be rubbish at.

Damned Dutchers.

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