Thursday, February 12, 2009

Jayawardene begins his bid for the English captaincy

Sensing a gap in a lucrative market, Jayawardene begins on his long campaign to qualify for and finally captain the England cricket team.

“It has always been my ambition, after captaining Colombo’s finest rugby team, the Piedersmanndorf XV, to lead England on the field.”

He later added,

“Any field, really.”

Perceiving that Strauss has no more than four years, “max” in England’s top job, which would allow the Sri Lankan Storm Trooper to qualify and sweep into the captaincy just in England’s hour of need.

Conveniently, in exactly four year’s time, England will be 18 months away from the Ashes, which is internationally recognised as the optimal period to prepare for anything.

England officials were silent on the matter, which allowed them more time to leak fervently to the press. One bureaucrat told the Daily Red,

“To be honest, we’d take anyone on at the moment. We need players that can go beyond 97 and get a big score. This lot is useless.”

Another commented,

“The problem with this mob is that they’re too English. We need more foreigners.”

Using the top strategies of the British Empire, the ECB management has decided to succeed by stripping the world of its finest elements. Giles Clarke was later quoted to have said,

“Ha ha. I still have my job.”

There was some stirrings, within the sober press community, that this may not necessarily a good thing.

7 comments:

Dave said...

He's got my vote.

Horatius said...

Mahela has plenty of time to drop his average to the mid-thirties, at which point he automatically qualifies to captain The England.

Now, if only The England dumped the saffer prick who regularly get past the thirties and upsets the harmony in the team!!!!

scanners said...

How about Gordon Brown deflecting bad publicity for his ECB-like grasp of success in his field, by offering posthumous pardons to the rattlingly good seafaring predecessors of all the best Aussie players? That way, we can see an influx of Oz's finest (perhaps under an extension of the hugely popular 'here's £10,000, bugger off whence you came' 1990s UK initiative.)

Stuart, Michael,Richard would be a shoe-in, but it would be beyond the pale for players with names such as Bryce, Brett, Brad, Mitchell and Nathan - so common.

scanners said...

How about Gordon Brown deflecting bad publicity for his ECB-like grasp of success in his field, by offering posthumous pardons to the rattlingly good seafaring predecessors of all the best Aussie players? That way, we can see an influx of Oz's finest (perhaps under an extension of the hugely popular 'here's £10,000, bugger off whence you came' 1990s UK initiative.)

Stuart, Michael,Richard would be a shoe-in, but it would be beyond the pale for players with names such as Bryce, Brett, Brad, Mitchell and Nathan - so common.

scanners said...

How about Gordon Brown deflecting bad publicity for his ECB-like grasp of success in his field, by offering posthumous pardons to the rattlingly good seafaring predecessors of all the best Aussie players? That way, we can see an influx of Oz's finest (perhaps under an extension of the hugely popular 'here's £10,000, bugger off whence you came' 1990s UK initiative.)

Stuart, Michael,Richard would be a shoe-in, but it would be beyond the pale for players with names such as Bryce, Brett, Brad, Mitchell and Nathan - so common.

Anonymous said...

How about Gordon Brown deflecting bad publicity for his ECB-like grasp of success in his field, by offering posthumous pardons to the rattlingly good seafaring predecessors of all the best Aussie players? That way, we can see an influx of Oz's finest (perhaps under an extension of the hugely popular 'here's £10,000, bugger off whence you came' 1990s UK initiative.)

Stuart, Michael,Richard would be a shoe-in, but it would be beyond the pale for players with names such as Bryce, Brett, Brad, Mitchell and Nathan - so common.

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