England victory overshadowed by beach volley ball on the telly

As you no doubt have been informed countless times before, it’s hard to be an England cricket fan. This is mostly because the team you follow is useless. Useless, and yet it talks itself up constantly.

It’s rather like the cocky kid at school despite his money-bags father, is still retarded in the brain and many other places.

England’s retardation is mainly focused on the balls. But the comparison is valid.

I have been struggling with the television remote as late. No the batteries aren’t running out (thank god I have been spared that hell) but the finger is hovering quite purposefully over the “Watch a Bit of Olympics Now” button.

I watched a bit of women’s beach volley ball the other day. A hitherto sadly neglected sport in the AYALAC household. But watching bikinied women leap around helplessly on sand has charmed me unrepentantly as late.

Of course, the Chinese won. But, the culture of the “sport” seemed so remarkable. In between each rally, brief opening bars of American pop music would blast the stadium. The play list ranged from the Beach Boys to Gary Glitter. It was a very inclusive event. Even convicted paedophiles were celebrated.

That a fun, playful, ridiculous sport can be identified by the Chinese authorities for a medal is an astonishing indication of China’s peculiar seriousness and single-mindedness in its ambition to win everything.

You know these barely clothed girls have been taken away from their families at the age of two, selected for a life of gruelling beach volley ball training. Spending 18 hours each day beach volleyball. Then learning how to dismantle a T-72 tank for the remainder of the evening.

These guys are going to crush the cricket world. Compare this twisted, indefatigable determination with the English county circuit. It’s like comparing Hungry, Hungry Hippos with Hannibal Lector.

However, what they lack is a sympathetic, if a bit frightened, blogger to help them on their way. HERE I AM.