Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Collingwood: worth a question mark?

Paul Collingwood, perhaps the ugliest batsmen in test cricket, is struggling to retain his place.

“Why is he still there?” people ask. People say lot of things though. Some of them say Birmingham’s pretty. I tend to ignore people.

Instead, let’s take a fact. Facts rarely say Birmingham is nice in any way. Paul Collingwood averages 34 in 2008. Overall, he averages over forty. Frankly, how he maintains this standard I have no idea. But the trend is downward.

Don’t get me wrong, I like Collingwood. There are not enough gingers in authority in this world.

But we’ve never seen an innings by him when he isn’t scratching around like a disabled pigeon.

Watching his batting like experiencing severe constipation after a heavy night’s necking laxatives.

His nurdling, nudging and implacable defence have got England out of many holes in the past. He’s one of “those” batsmen that specialise in the sort of innings that the Alan Stanfords in the world really don’t understand.

Generally, AYALAC approves of maintaining anything constituting a two-fingers to that moneyed yank. But, in this case, I might hold forth on my anti-Stanfordish bile.

So, I’ll keep an eye on Collingwood. It seems as though we’ve given up bowling him at test matches so, stunning fielding aside, his retention in the side relies solely on his batting performance.

Clearly, there are more handsome batsmen out there, but are there more productive alternatives, too?

I say: Birmingham’s rubbish.


Dave said...

Of course Birmingham's rubbish. It is up North, after all.

Miss Field said...

Disabled pigeons, what a hilarious mental picture that conjures, although before you drop him, have you got an alternative lined up?

Also, he isn't ugly.

Spigot said...

I do struggling having moved to Birmingham a few years back form Sussex. The altitude sickness from all the northness does take it's toll from time to time. But I can assure you that Brum looks a lot nicer when I'm in the city centre. I seem to lighten the entire place with my very presence.

Birmingham: At least it's not Coventry.

Straight Point said...

though i am not a stats type but his average suggest that he is score-when -place-in-doubt kind of test matches at least...

Spigot said...

Not a stats type? What are you, a footballer??

Suave said...

bloody footballers, and their lack of statistics.

But hey, they get the ladies with the biggedaboobies.

Catherine said...

Birmingham in the North? That is not even funny.

I like Collingwood, he signed my 4/6 sign at Chester-le-street. I agree with Miss Field that he is not ugly.

What's Pietersen's average for 2008?

Spigot said...


As someone from Sussex, now stranded in Birmingham, it's very clear to me I am in the north. Sometimes I even see some wild haggis running about.

People keep referencing watford gap as the division, which is wholly innaccurate. What do you think the River Thames was invented for? It's a very clear physical boundary that should be honoured by the south, and feared by the north.

Ceci said...

The south starts at Sheffield where the fathead Vaughan originates (except for the bit withe the Arctic Monkeys.

Oh - Collingwood - back in form next match plus he's lovely

The Atheist said...

Of course, Collingwood isn't ugly. He's one of the more prettier of England's dubious crop.

However, his batting, on the other hand....

Catherine said...


As someone living in Newcastle and being a full 200 miles North of Birmingham I know that it cannot be be in the North. England is simply not that big. I have recently been forced to accept that Manchester and Leeds are in the North. Don't push me over the edge.