Tuesday, February 12, 2008

England: useless like a dead monkey

Here’s a picture of an expired monkey I found near my house. I think you’ll agree that its similarity to the England cricket team is striking.

In their latest rout, they decided to adopt the “South African” strategy by dropping their best player. Dimitri Mascarenhas was left out in favour of Ravi Bopara.

Bopara is a nice young lad who has “a lot of potential”. Dimitri is a devastating player who can win matches with both bat and ball.

Mascarenhas is one of those weird county players that make you wonder what exactly is going on with the world. On the face of it, the Dimler doesn’t have any obvious talent. He bats at about seven and bowls ordinary looking medium pacers.

But, every so often, his batting explodes into a run-fest. Even more interestingly, his bowling is capable of Keeping The Runs Down and even taking a few wickets here and there. Notwithstanding the fact that he’s in New Zealand, the home of the medium pace trundler.

Bopara’s bowling is never really used and, at that stage of the innings, you would rather an experienced, weird-looking head to come in. Someone like Mascarenhas.

In any case, whether he was in the side, he wouldn’t have affected the outcome of this match. It was rank incompetence from top to bottom. It was like watching Bangladesh. Or, worse still, England in the 1990s.

However, our kebab-loving, pint-consuming, telly-watching, dog-betting, bowl-licking friend Jesse Ryder got some runs. Hopefully, that will secure his spot for the Kiwians tour of England.


Straight Point said...

i seriously wonder how england can loose like this...they have good good talent even an import from SA...bowling is bit think but OK... somehow they don't gel as unit...

they must be ruing that they allowed flintoff to play in T20...

Uncle J rod said...

please no viddy blog of this game, i've seen enough horror films.

Suave said...

Jesus wept man..

It seems everywher you go, you unearth another dead animal..

Are you sure, you're not training to be a serial killer? It's often said that they start by inflicting damage to animals, before moving up to humans..

And you're obviously in the right age/race categories.

Run for the hills!!


The Atheist said...

Suave, first you discover my credit card schemes and now this.

You know too much already.

But not for much longer.

Suave said...

Oh dear WG Grace..

I'm going underground, going underground.

miriam said...

England don't deserve Mascarenhas if they're not going to use him properly. I think Sri Lanka should take him.

If Jesse Ryder doesn't come to England then when I go to the matches I am going to wear a tshirt saying "Where's Jesse?". I think that would be a more important message than the planned "Daniel Vettori I'd switch teams for you" tshirt.

The Atheist said...

Miriam, what if neither turn up? I think you need to compromise on your t-shirt to read: "Jesse, I'd wear this t-shirt for you."

miriam said...

If neither turn up I'm not going.

No, of course I'll go. In a tshirt saying "WWJD" (we want Jesse & Daniel).

Jrod said...

WWJD t shirts are easy to get, but you might just look like a jesus freak.

Tom Binns said...

hmm, I think we shall see just how much of a dead monkey England are when it comes around to the test series. New Zealand are a young team and i think they may well struggle to cope with our test sides strength in the batting line up.

The Atheist said...

Tom, that's sort of the point of my post. The Kiwis are useless. They're more than useless. They're rubbish.

That's why England should beat them. But they don't.

Because they are more than rubbish.