Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Oh, a World Cup has started.

Is it just me or is Duncan Fletcher looking more frog-like every day?

Sorry for my absence. I went to a job interview yesterday. I smoozed them, as you would expect. I smiled at them, and everything. I pretended not to be a gutless bastard; I even suggested I was “nice”. But, one question stumped me.

They: So, what do you like to do in your spare time?
I: Um….

My brain went into unparalleled overtime: what should I say? My first thought was to mention my blog. I’ll go on about how many hundreds read it and the bloke in North China that views it every day. But then I decided that bringing up the internet would reveal my geekiness. And no one likes geeks. Because they are, on the whole, twats. So, I decided to mumble something about reading philosophy and drinking tea.

Then I realised that it is not me that I should be worried about, it’s you. You are the people reading this nonsense. You are the real geeks. You don’t create geekiness, like me, the artist, but you consume it, like a giant geek guzzler. You people are seriously messed up. Bad luck.

You’re still reading. Wow. You people are pathetic. So, I take it you want me to talk about cricket now? OK.

So anyway, Kevin Pieterson, in a recent interview, said:

“… the World Cup starts for England on Wednesday. It’s a massive game and there will be no complacency there I can assure you.”

This is exactly the sort of witless spin that drives me up the wall. Don’t you think that the World Cup would have started shortly after the Opening Ceremony? You know, the big thing with the fireworks and the dancing, do you remember that, KP? Do you remember poncing around in your little England suit? Ring any bells?

Even if you are talking about the “real” start of the World Cup, would you not think that the New Zealand game was pretty important? Perhaps the number one batsman in ODIs was swept off his feet by the stunning beauty of his new team mate, Paul Nixon, that he failed to notice the World Cup was underway.

Or perhaps it is the usual post facto media puntery that the England team love to play. They didn’t lose their games because they’re rubbish, they lost because they were saving their energy for the Real Start. No. This is false. You lost because you are not very good. It is not part of any plan to lose.

Why must all my heroes lie to me? I suppose if I emulate them, I’m more likely to get a job. H’mmm…so I suppose I ought to be grateful to the England PR machine for turning me into a deceitful cheat. That's something.

On a more interesting note, did anyone listen to the Test Match Special coverage of the New Zealand vs. Bangladesh game? (Sir) Viv Richards gave a fascinating talk on the difference between bananas and plantains, and the best methods of preparation of plantains. With “Jonny Cakes” apparently.

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