Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Everyone, at one point in their life, has looked themselves in the mirror and thought "nope, shit".
Even those that haven't, and want to "excel" and "achieve", usually go on to become generally regarded as "shits".
So, now comes a reflective moment for the England cricket team, and all they can see is shit. Puddles and puddles of gooey, poorly bonded shit.
People criticise the critics: "why must you be so critical?" say they. Well, here's the official AYALAC guide for being less shit:
1. Bowl as if you had played before
To become good at something you either need to pay someone else to do it for you, or to practice. England broke the record for the worst bowling performance ever in Port of Spain - second most extras conceded in an innings.
Apparently, in a list the worst bowling performances ever, England feature in over 40% of them.
2. Get rid of the rubbishy players in bring in less rubbishy ones
No really, it works.
3. Rule the team with an iron fist
England's main problem is the emergence of a private life for the players. That the players think of something other than cricket has become "acceptable" is not only a sign of weakness in the ranks, but indicative of the broader corruption of society generally.
Sex lives of all players must cease. For the good of the country.
A threat of mutilation for dropping averages wouldn't go amiss, either.
England, for too long, have played fair, following the spirit of the laws and generally behaved in the cricketing way. It's time to follow Australia - not to Australia, obviously, who'd want to do that? Horrible place; full of spiders. No, we must relearn the science of cheating.
This goes beyond the dark arts of Murray Mints and jelly beans, we have to start thinking about creative use of the equipment at hand. After all, the cricket bat originally started life as a weapon.
We must use the resources available to us to prevent the opposition from freely scoring runs, or from running freely.
5. Replace the team with robots
By my reckoning, its four years since the mysterious Merlyn came into being. Which makes is qualified for the England team. That it can't run or operate effectively in the field only marginally disadvantages it against players such as Owais Shah.
It is claimed that the machine can bowl every ball known to man, which is some claim; there are a lot of men and therefore a lot of balls.
Although the inevitable mechanisation of the England bowling unit leads us to interesting possibilities: perhaps the future is all about technology in cricket.
Maybe we'll witness giant bowling guns fire 500 mph death balls at Mega-Slogotron 5.0; gawp at stratospheric sixes; and delight in lighting quick catches in continental-sized fields.
Although watching a batbot getting hit in the robo-goolies would be significantly less amusing.
Friday, March 06, 2009
Oh Mister Spiggles,
You are a god,
Like Botham or Biggles,
Or Unkie J Rod,
From you, insipration flows
To a high level of prob.
You still have a job
Tune in next week to see if you can... NAME THAT BUM.
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
Good luck, and good bumming.
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
The Belgians have spent most of their history being forgotten by their neighbours. However, they have spent their time wisely, by creating a number of world-changing inventions: chips, Tintin, and now, it has been recently revealed, cricket.
The claim originates from an obviously fake poem from the 16th century which refers to "kings of crekettes" and “wickettes”.
Apparently, being bored out of their skulls by living in Belgian, the inventors of this fine game left for England where upon, a dubious BBC website article claims, they went to university to launch Stanford-style marketing weeze that took the country by storm.
The obvious weakness in this argument that Belgians don’t have the mental capacity for university, so we can quickly uncover the story as a fake.
Cricket was, in fact, invented by Muhammad Ibn Arabi in 1195, somewhere in Northern Africa. It was believed to have started when, after dispatching a camel in a particularly savage style, the Arabic poet had nothing left to better with his enormous “Grāy-ničoułs”, and therefore used the stocks from a nearby orphanage.
Eventually, it became more practicable to use smaller objects that are easier to throw and squirm less.
The game became popular with the higher class rats, who would winter in England. Proving that no pleasure goes unpunished, the rodents also brought with them the Black Death, which wiped out a third of the British population and leaving the survivors badly disfigured.
This is where the phrase “short square leg” comes from.
The problem with Belgians is their low profile. Remember any famous Belgians? Well, you might, but they certainly aren’t famous. And if they are famous, they probably originate from England.
So none of that smart Alecery thank you very much.